The words I will post on this blog? My father passed away 19 Feb 2009 at age 80 years and 4 months. The 'official' cause of death......Renal Failure.....Heart Failure......He stopped eating......he never accepted that the same disease he watched his mother suffer through was also robbing and torturing him. ALZHEIMER'S. Each day since, the fear and anger which defined him at his end, haunts my thoughts. But he is always with me as I struggle through my days. He would be no matter what path my life would take. But since his passing, my mother, at 81 years, lives with me. And an old fieldstone house filled with the possessions of 80 years of their lives, 57 years of their marriage, the last years compounded by that heinous disease, ALZHEIMER'S....has become my responsibility. To clean out, organize, maintain and finally, assist my mother to sell. As I've struggled with all that entails, my father is right beside me. Sometimes saying 'I can fix that'. At times chuckling with an 'AH-HA, you should have listened when I talked about how it worked'. Sometimes a 'HEY, don't throw that out, we may need it'. Frequently a 'No No, not that way, forget it~I'll do it myself '.

Over the din of him talking I routinely hear myself saying HM, BET I CAN FIX THAT. Words that no doubt he is whispering in my ear as I'm faced, once again, with another problem, something broken, or facing a task he always insisted on doing HIMSELF. For my father, for all he was and accomplished and all that was stolen from him in his last years......HM, Bet I Can Fix THAT!





Sunday, May 15, 2011

Hm, where should I start?
Where ever I want really:):). The explanation of this journey isn't formed in cement. And I don't write out of anger, fear or frustration. That is not what this is about. Ultimately and at the center is always Alzheimer's. Only because that is where it ended for my Dad.
But my Dad was, as we all are, undefinable. My Dad was good and bad. Rigid and flexible. Happy and Sad. He was a collection of experiences, triumphs, successes, failures, humor, unfailing support for not only his family but for complete strangers. He was funny, devious, energetic, intelligent, obstinate, single minded and In Charge. He cared. He was extremely successful despite his challenges but he was insecure and easily embarrassed by praise.
 And he was Selfish. Selfish? Well, in a way that is how I can best describe him, but to understand that would mean you need to know how I define Selfish.
There are 2 types of Selfish, GOOD Selfish and BAD Selfish. Bad Selfish is the type where the ultimate goal is plainly and simply, personal gain. I help someone not because they need help but because I LOOK BETTER WHEN I HELP SOMEONE. If I didn't personally gain from the effort~I wouldn't help.
Then there is GOOD Selfish. I help because the person needs help and its the right thing to do. But I still gain personally. Because the act of helping makes ME feel good.
The word 'SELFISH' has been taught to mean bad or negative. But in reality humans are simply born with a Selfish Gene. Nature or Nurture? It is the way we are taught, examples we are shown or from our experiences which grows that Gene into Good or Bad Selfish. People who are Good Selfish still engage in Bad Selfish. And People who are Bad Selfish can still act in a Good Selfish manner. But the odds are that each type of person will most frequently act on one side or another of Selfish in a consistent way.
My Dad.......Good Selfish. He was a GOOD man who was also an aggravating man, a giving man, a loving man and a rigid man. But he acted from the good selfish, to help others. So in honor of my father this blog will be written from the Good Selfish perspective. And not necessarily from grief or anger but from hope and humor.
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