The words I will post on this blog? My father passed away 19 Feb 2009 at age 80 years and 4 months. The 'official' cause of death......Renal Failure.....Heart Failure......He stopped eating......he never accepted that the same disease he watched his mother suffer through was also robbing and torturing him. ALZHEIMER'S. Each day since, the fear and anger which defined him at his end, haunts my thoughts. But he is always with me as I struggle through my days. He would be no matter what path my life would take. But since his passing, my mother, at 81 years, lives with me. And an old fieldstone house filled with the possessions of 80 years of their lives, 57 years of their marriage, the last years compounded by that heinous disease, ALZHEIMER'S....has become my responsibility. To clean out, organize, maintain and finally, assist my mother to sell. As I've struggled with all that entails, my father is right beside me. Sometimes saying 'I can fix that'. At times chuckling with an 'AH-HA, you should have listened when I talked about how it worked'. Sometimes a 'HEY, don't throw that out, we may need it'. Frequently a 'No No, not that way, forget it~I'll do it myself '.

Over the din of him talking I routinely hear myself saying HM, BET I CAN FIX THAT. Words that no doubt he is whispering in my ear as I'm faced, once again, with another problem, something broken, or facing a task he always insisted on doing HIMSELF. For my father, for all he was and accomplished and all that was stolen from him in his last years......HM, Bet I Can Fix THAT!





Friday, May 20, 2011

Ah, yes-the Junior John Deere

Today the rain is still dripping and so I've stayed at home and done things here. Home is simply a rented townhouse in a rental community. Over the 2 years since my Mom returned, with my Dad resting in his urn, to Pennsylvania from snowbirding in South Carolina~~the house I spoke of in the blog description, has absorbed my attention. As the time has passed I've brought items down or spoke with her regarding the ultimate destination of these possesions. At first it seemed the answer to any question I had regarding this or that was to 'get rid of it'. Cleaning out after the passing of a loved one is an emotional deluge anyway. Plus my Dad was your basic pack rat sort, as am I. For him everything had potential for "I Can Fix That" or "I Might Need That Later".

But as the parasite Alzheimer's began to attack my Dad, even before we realized the disease was taking hold, the pack rat mentality was slowly morphing into hoarding. He didn't buy things or keep things just because and there were things he did get rid of. The sort of hoarding variety it was came in 2 forms. One was the 'good deal' sort where items where purchased for future projects. But as his memory was attacked and when a project was tackled he either couldn't remember where he had put it or didn't recall having previously purchased the item. And the 'do it myself' side of him rejected offers of helping with the project or even finding materials he had put away. Or he would ask for help with a project but when the designated time arrived to assist, there were always 'THINGS I HAVE TO DO FIRST BEFORE I NEED YOUR HELP'. And those things never got done either they were OBE {Overcome By Events} or/and the ever growing just not physically able. So the pile of materials grew.

The second type of hoarding was the result of fear of sharing control. So rather than allow others to throw things out or assist to clear away the piles, his response was always to do it himself or later. More and more frequently the anger and fear he refused to acknowledge would result in huge fights over cleaning off his desk or any other areas of his.

We wanted and requested he seek medical assistance about the forgetfulness. And once we opened that door the fear and anger kidnapped more and more of my Dad's life. No matter how many times we said the purpose for seeking answers was not to control him but rather to identify IF anything was causing the problems and what could be done to deal with it, the idea was rejected. We never used the word Alzheimer's. And he was well aware of his loss of memory but his view was it wasn't due to anything wrong with his brain. He viewed our suggestion of medical advice as a challenge of his competence.

Over the last 10 years of his life there were many hospital stays for what was a never  clearly defined physical problem. Issues with his requesting what day it was a dozen times a morning wasn't due to anything within him, it was due to the stress we were placing on him. He did deal with heart disease starting at 52 but a triple by pass had basically resolved that issue. And well over decade later, the life expectancy of the bypass, he still was going strong. Eventually there were stents, clearing of carotid artery and what seemed an unending onslaught of medications added, increased, reduced or deleted.

The oft used phrase from my Navy days.....WHEN YOU'RE UP TO YOUR ASS IN ALLIGATORS ITS DIFFICULT TO REMEMBER THAT THE INITIAL OBJECTIVE IS TO DRAIN THE SWAMP. The material which was growing around the house became one of the alligators interrupting the goal of draining the swamp, dealing with Alzheimer's.

The point I started to speak of at the beginning? The John Deere and the house full of 'stuff'. We still have both John Deere's and I'm still going to tackle the second one. And I've gone through so much, thrown out so much, organized so much and brought home items to be used where we live. I've put things into a storage locker. My brother has taken a few items and no doubt will acquire other items from the house. But the original John Deere? It still sits on the cement slab behind the house. We know someone who has taken other metal collected during the last 2 years. He will take the John Deere. I just need to call him.

The junior John Deere~~~~HM BET I CAN FIX THAT!
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